goriji ;)

Mehri Sri Lumba Kala Sundar kaha hai? lol :P

desi filim fest 2007- gori reviews

Gori was gonna write more garam desi yaar cheez lekin.. lekin.. her notes on that are bahut old.. so.. gonna go with what’s in front of me, since I know none of u peeps CL se are even SF mein, ur in the suburbs in cubes na? & most of the garam yaar at yeh Third I filim fest r with yeh biwi aur GF aur kuch bhi.. so gori is bored na?

Important to say ek: gori is BARA filim fan na? Was gonna start ‘every SRK filim ever made, reviews by gori’ page first, sirf, this is more compelling at the moment (don’t worry, SRK filim pg coming soon lmao).. Been going to this filim fest since 1st year (on yr 5 now muhje sochta.. however u say..) Tik, I’m gonna review all the filims I see, plus a few I don’t see na? ๐Ÿ˜‰ If ur going to fest this weekend, be sure to check the front rows of the Castro Theatre on Sat na? Gori is blondie with diwani bal rang up there tik? ๐Ÿ˜› Posted new photo(s) bhi tonite, since I realize sirf reason most of u r reading seems to be to well.. I can guess why the photos page is getting mass hits na? ๐Ÿ˜› All those dloads of my photo? lmao.. kind of sad for u guys lekin.. kuch bhi.. will keep posting photos if it gets u all here to read.. but I digress..

Important to say do: most of this has been written while it’s late & gori is rushing. Have bahut bura akon strain na? Plus work to do (gori works lots on weekends, especially during Xmas na? slack during week lmao).. so forgive if more run-on sentences than usual + spelling errors + non-ended parentheses inside parentheses occur.. then again (gori is thinking of audience).. tum hottie ladkay aren’t gonna know the difference na? lmao..

Tik.. after all is said & done, I managed to see 8 of 10 filim in program.. yey ๐Ÿ˜€ Heard a review of 9th lol… desi ladki se.. so meantime, since sadly yeh photos page is tied with this page for hits still (lmao).. here’s a photo of gori in her filim fest (‘brown’ na? ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜€ <–gori gets the jokey joke hai na?) ..t-shirt…

So… in the spirit of gori’s Lakshmi Hallowe’en costume, the ratings are from 1 to 4 arms up na? ๐Ÿ˜‰ you figure it out..

Victoria Theatre Fri nite 11/16/07

Yeh theatre is bahut accha na? Gori Victorian architecture pyar karti hoon bahut na? Even sad unkempt examples with scary bathrooms.. so the famous 3rd I shorts program @ 7pm… tik (in a nutshell):

filim ek: ‘The Book’ (1.5 arms up for trying lol) Tik gori is imagining 2 ladkay best friends sitting around trying to write storyboard thingy: ‘um lessee, the guy is gonna die na? like NOW, & um.. see he puts ALL his faith in a book ji hai na?’ ‘But yaar, how does the book get to the other guy, I mean, if the dude’s in jail n stuff?’ ugg… Basically this is an ambitious lekin failed attempt at making yeh goron quasi-historical piece (gori has hard time with MAJOR lack of continuity/accuracy in historical anything (especially costume.. gori’s college BG/forte’ lol) in filim, so would like to know why the 70s phones lekin sort of WWII Nazi-esque prison guard uniforms etc? Nice Oakland whatever prison location except the repeated guard shot which looks like someone INSIDE a warehouse na? back to story).. um let’s just say that the desi sense of ‘fated encounters’ so aptly but inadvertently lampooned in Bollywood (new & old genres na?) does NOT translate to a 2-bit formula actor SAG cast (gori thinks they hired ek Screen Actors’ Guild actor to put the SAG symbol thingy in BIG letters at the end of filim- am I right, whoever made this? lol).. plus why TF would you make an utterly goron filim na? Being ek desi (ABCD gori assumes) director na? ugg.. gori has seen a much better version (though poorly cast, if I recall) of this ‘fate gone wrong’ plot twist cheez in some short (metlab: short filim) where the lead is ek rickshaw driver, yeh I’m-wearing-man’s-suit ladki (because in Bollywood speak, ALL working women wear MEN’S(??) pinstriped but tailored to look overly-sexy in a way you could NEVER EVER wear in India lol suits na? Think Sushmita Sen in at least ek SRK filim.. gori forgets which one, it’s late lmao).. I digress.. so in this other, better short filim, yeh silly ‘lawyer’ dressed like rundi suit mein finds yeh rikshaw walla after yeh voice over dead yaar wills his fortune to yeh ladka who drove him somewhere one day (of course, gori’s now-psycho ex, the MIM, was sitting next to gori, picking apart the casting of yeh goron-esque desi as the driver, the fact that yeh crorepati wouldn’t go in ek rickshaw etc.. he would have a driver or kuch bhi na?).. lekin anyhow, at the end u (metlab, audience) realize that narrator is ghost, aur inexplicably we see yeh driver leave lawyer’s office after reading paper saying he’s inherited mass estate, which he drops on ground while headed back to rickshaw. Turns out he is illiterate na? Gori was hella bummed watching this bc she thought ending sucked. Desis would just say ‘What can you do?’ na? Latter filim is better example of this type of ‘bang on head finale/desi ‘karmic’ encounters plot twist na? Next!

filim do ‘Embrace It’ (6 arms down) -simply put, this sucked hard. Why did contrite film have contrite quote at end? Why did lame ladki with weirder hairdo than gori (who came to filim with mataji with pot belly in sari plus bahinji in tow na? that part was much cuter than yeh nasty nasty goron CIIS students making up like 1/2 of both audiences-gross!).. kuch bhi why did she have to hog little time at end (Q/A with directors) with more contrite BS for crappy filim na? Yuck.

Of course desis are *never* on time na? If yeh Third I peeps would stop being soooo cheap & get real tickets (lol!) & I dunno, maybe online ticketing na? -filim would have started earlier, leaving time for questions.. sigh. Yeh queer filim fest also was for many years on GST.. which is basically the same as DST.. well, maybe DST is more like the other DST (Desi Standard Time vs Drag Standard Time, which is behind GST- Gay Standard Time) by at *least* an hour na? ๐Ÿ˜›

filim teen ‘Beige Witch Project’ (arms have no comment- filim is 15 secs long anyhow) -yeh filim hella old na? Gori went to bathroom last time it showed lol ๐Ÿ˜› This is good place to say something: this is ONLY filim fest gori goes to that doesn’t have audience ballots (hence need for gori to review here lmao).. gori thinks it’s something like this: if we have ballots, ppl can criticize our choice of filim.. if they criticize, we lose face.. unless.. we do whatever they (audience) ask us to (this is how ‘face’ works na? gori has spent yrs while in utterly dysfunctional relationships with desis trying to figure this out.. feel free to enlighten gori na?).. so .. we are too cheap to do good programming.. so we can’t have ballots… so we won’t lose face. Unfortunately (though gori loves this ‘fest’ which is only ek weekend/10 filims na? should be at least ek week long by now na?).. this is why gori envies NYC for ek reason sirf.. yeh desi filim fest yaha hai has accha accha programming. Gori almost tried to go to NYC (which is like saying gori tried to go to worst hell on Earth ever for her) just to see filims in that fest.. PLUS yeh filim programmer already dodged gori ek time so far.. but she’s gonna try to find out at least what the official reason (other than arrogance/laziness/not giving an F about other’s opinions openly na?) causes them to not have ballots na? Will ask nicely/coverty & report back w/answer. Still wish we had the NYC desi filim fest here..

filim char: ‘Jeeta Jaat’ (12 arms up) -fucking ROFLMAO!!! Probably single best filim in the bunch. Also helps that directors/main actors (do yaaron lol) are garam desis in real life.. but that’s not why it gets the major Hindu deity rating.. holy sh*t.. f’ing lmao.. OMG f’ing HILARIOUS send-up of old-school Bollywood, sort of lost on way-too-many-goron audience na? Even it tried to drag on (in short format) like Bolly filim? OMFGodess gori PYARS the lame entryway of some ghetto desi suburban house (it even thanks family members in the credits somewhere) which doubles as the lair of the bad guy. If ur as ghetto as gori’s Tamil-villager ex (ha yaar IS ‘IT professional’ among u na?) u might be going ‘WTF is so funny gori? If ur in any way more sophisticated than that (more than ek monkey na? you’ll be ROFLMAO for days… yey ๐Ÿ™‚

Check it out here (in 2 parts- before & after intermission lmao):

Jeeta Jaat the filim
Kesar kaju chandi barfi award for best short filim.. in glorious techni-rang na? ๐Ÿ˜€

filim panch: ‘Devi Brown’ (4 arms up)

Great follow-up to Jeeta Jaat.. also send up of old Bolly filim.. great feminist (look it up!!) bit in there.. cool 70s Bolly heroine(s?) chopped together to make narrative.. love to see (retro) Amitabh right where he belongs.. falling off building cause some suheli cut the rope lmao.. is this by the yaar who do (did?) Badmash? It said something about ‘dishoom’ lmao at the end.

BTW gori hates yeh Badmash yaaron/ay lol because she would email them telling them to get a clue & stop making ulloo sexist BS in their comic (before it was defunct- maybe gori shouldn’t have gotten pissed & done buri nizer on them na?).. in turn they would take gori off list na? (annoying bc back then they had cool list of desi events they would spam u with.. Kohi-Noor lmao… ghetto garam yaar hotspot before yeh goron found it lols.. those ulloo desi comic guys (Russell whitebread Canadian kuch bhi aur I-pick-up-on-anything-that-moves happa-desi Dan Nainan (this didn’t just happen to gori na? Some dost of gori’s knew some other ladki he did the same thing to.. yuck.. too bad, he’s hella funny.. love the ‘it’s a kind of donut’ cheez..) But I digress.. so yeh ulloo Badmash peeps would interpret gori’s complaints about misogynist content as ‘take me off ur list’ (which was good, in a way).. then they would just re-add her like 2 weeks later na? lmao.. stupid.

filim che: ‘Headshakes, A Lexicon’ (3 arms up) -yeh filim was actually much funnier than the clueless goron/indifferent (or semi-arrogant, as in ‘it’s not funny to make fun of us/our ghetto relatives) lack of reaction to it. OMG yeh lead yaar was SOOOO funny. The fact that ALL the head shakes are the same… soooo funny ๐Ÿ˜› Is gori wrong or also isn’t this yeh old filim shown elsewhere? Just to say yeh filim fest could try harder (since they are before onslaught in Spring/Summer na?) to get filims FIRST, nahin LAST.. again, cheapness or ?? Anyhow.. yeh yaar is SOOO funny.. part about tourists & ghetto.. uh ‘rural’ ppl with rubber chicken under train repeating ‘bird flu’ over & over lmao… roflmao… Maybe it’s not old, gori can’t find yeh filim in cursory look at Google lekin.. this is good stuff ๐Ÿ˜€

filim sat: ‘Manoj’ (3.75 arms up) -again, surprised audience didn’t react more loudly.. gori thinks yeh accha sly references to yeh ghudah goron (like CIIS New Age peeps gori hates) were bahut funny na? lols.. OMG lol.. also Ivan Jandigar deserves applause just for going up on stage to announce countless filim all the times gori has seen him do that (many many times)..

Gori relates alot to the desi ‘PC’/grouchy comedian guy (apparently a parody of some desi comic or ??)- espeicially when he says that goron can’t say BS about desis, but they love to laugh at ek (non PC) desi babu doing sane. Gori knows this problem well, evidenced immediately afterwards when she took a bathroom break & came across the person co-presenting yeh 2nd filim, (yeh aforementioned programming director)- who was up before the next film ‘program’ showing off yeh brown (inside joke na?) new T-shirts in funny jokey way. So when gori sees yaar staffing t-shirt table & no one is around & he’s like 2″ from women’s bathroom she says ‘so funny- the color’ pointing at t-shirts to him. He makes polite exclamation (as in: being nice to ulloo gori (since all goron can’t possibly know ANYTHING about desis na? just act all British & nice while thinking bitter thoughts in general reaction na?) then prompty disappears before gori exits bathroom less than 1 min later, thinking she will ask about absence of ballots na? hmmmm… funny that the Ivan guy *made* yeh filim, yeh other yaar ‘programmed’ it (as in- ur my dost, plus you do the programming to so yeah, let’s show ur filim na?) yet gori making stupid/silly reference is bura, since gori is automatically ‘outsider’ na? sigh..

But I digress.. this was hella astute, ridiculing desi aur goron alike.. hopefully it will show to a bigger ABCD-stacked audience next time, I think that would be the best audience (in terms of satisfying reaction) for it na?

filim ath: ‘Canada’ (3 arms up) -good effort, disjointed aur problem with GREAT (lekin conflicted in time) costuming. Love the Helen Reddy (Amrikan despite name na?)-esque mom… but stuff like the digital read out on cash register & non-sensical recent (unless it was 1st Iraq invasion & gori misunderstood na?) radio in BG was confusing. Or maybe 70s hippie mom was throwback & filim is taking place now? Gori’s not sure & this took away from an original/convincing story line that was well-acted. Or maybe it was just that ek gori directed filim (though not sure if she wrote it or ??) so gori understood it somehow from Western perspective. Jabs at stupid ashram-dwelling goron ‘Buddhists’ or kuch bhi etc.. & the like was much loved by gori. The ‘but honey, it’s your people’ comment about shitty desi music on radio rocked… f’ing lmao.. very good ๐Ÿ™‚

oops I forgot.. filim extra: ‘2 Pakistani guys go to Burning Man’ (3 arms up) Gori remembered after the fact about this filim.. it wasn’t in the printed program, na? Or else she didn’t see it lols ๐Ÿ˜› Well, it was funny, but I think the end (where they allude to going to Pakistan to ask questions about Christianity, like they are at Burning Man asking HELLA wasted goray peeps about Islam..) I don’t think the audience totally got that part for some weird reason lekin.. still, it was funny ๐Ÿ™‚ Good warm-up for the rest of the program..

9pm Friday 11/17/2007… ‘John & Jane Toll Free’ (3 arms up.. sirf) -tik, gori just re-read description & like they say, I was wondering the whole time if this really was ek doc (metlab- documentary na?) or fiction. Gori had decided it was fiction (wrong- surprise!)

Tik gori pyar yeh fag doing Bolly dance.. yeh ladka was a really good dancer, & seemed to have at least a bit more of a clue than the other ppl involved.. this is ek better filim on outsourcing by far that the others gori has seen.. basically it shows a group of naive ppl who don’t have the benefit of the college edu or other luck/privileges of many of gori’s beloved pardesi geek yaars, so they can’t leave, lekin sirf imitate & sadly, cluelessly idolize West (at least that was the take of this filim, from gori’s perspective.. ) Yeh filim yet again underscores an underlying theory of gori’s about Hindustanis: you peeps need a serious mass air drop of Western psychology books na? That & condoms.. lekin I digress again..

So, like gori’s invisible CL detractors would say: CREEPY gori… uh yeah, for real she’s in this film. Basically we go from one outsourced poor slob to another, each indoctrinated & taken in to various degrees mentally/emotionally/physically- the guy who can only see his wife for 20 mins for dinner at Mc Donald’s during break, yeh SAD yaar who marries some ladki he works with (but of course, doesn’t know, just sees from afar ‘I tell her ‘I like you.. I want to marry you” sigh.. but then she starts working conflicting shifts at another call center etc.. to the guy who is literally programming himself to think he’s going to be a billionaire (but can’t afford a motorcycle) using outdated Western positive thinking tapes & by selling Amway lmao.. the final delusion DID freak gori out na? Some dhukh dhukh cheez.. not even a ladki.. yeh cheez.. OMFG gori knows someone (old EX dost na?) from Mumbai who did the whole skin-bleaching, hair-streaking, Amrikan accent I think I’m white BS na? At least yeh yaar DID live SF mein for 7 yrs na? And sort of had one white ancestor (by same token, gori is now desi na? should I start dieing myself abi? lol).. point is.. climax of delusional problems/filim is this THING.. yeh mal that u realize is this hideous Michael Jackson ladki na? She has totally bleached(??) herself, her hair (orange/yellow, like how gori’s looks right now because she was in a hurry to get to filims & didn’t let bleach stay long enough lmao).. but she has ruined her skin somehow (all red across nose, unless this is some type of pigment issue but yeh thing has akon kali still na? nahin albino na?) plus she has bleached her eyebrows aur eyelashes (which are half-grown out- didn’t know they did that lols).. ewwww….. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Creepy. Plus she talks with ek fake Southern Amrikan accent na? OMFG eww. Gori has met her nemesis na? Thank the gods I don’t like dye my skin/hair (well, not kali anyhow lol), wear contacts aur saris na? (outside of Halloween tik hai? lol) ๐Ÿ˜ฆ eww. Gori is all in good fun, yeh scary chick was seriously mentally ill. Good story. Should have had filmmaker or some kind of context explained- gorons afterwards had NO CLUE as to plot/storyline of filim, basically if you don’t know shit about India u would be confused I guess.. it made perfect sense to gori though if I wouldn’t have already seen other call center filims the call center part would have seemed like weird sci fi na?

11am Saturday 11/18/2007, Castro Theatre… ‘Pyassa’ (no rating.. gori was sleeping na?) ๐Ÿ˜‰

Abi, if anyone here thinks gori is capable of getting to Castro Theatre by 11am (well, 11:30am, that’s EDST (Early Desi Standard Time) on a Saturday or any day, ur bara bahut diwana na? Ha, goriji sonu hai or I have no idea how to conjugate Hindi ‘werbs’ but let just say gori was indisposed) ๐Ÿ˜‰ Lekin yeh desi ladki at another filim volunteered short form plot to gori: Yeh admi poet hai. Yeh admi dies. Yeh ulloo villagers (or something like that, kuch nahin) say how f’ing awesome he was, they hypocritically laud yeh poet as brilliant after death (yawn). He comes back to life (spoiler warning lmao: he wasn’t dead!!! na? sorry now u can’t see the filim anyhow lols.. gori thinks spoiler warnings are SUPER lame.. don’t u want to know what’s gonna happen na? if not, don’t read about filim until afterwards! doi!!).. but I digress.. yeh admi alive hai. Villagers try to kill him or something. The end.

Bas. Gori went to hella art school when younger na? Gori therefore *hates* stupid arty shit with no real purpose (cept her blog na? blog has purpose.. uh… kuch bhi..) ๐Ÿ˜› Anyhow, anything ‘well arty’ bugs the f*ck out of gori. Add that this is by necessity a black & white filim *made in 1957 OMFG!!!! it’s so cutting edge retro Independence/Partition-era blah blah blah blah blah uggg sigh*.. uh yuck. Plus it was at 11am na? ๐Ÿ˜›

Oh & gori heard from yeh khushi desi volunteer (gori thought he’s lying at first na? lekin other gori (or Asian chicky, gori forgets) volunteer agreed): supposedly print melted on projector during filim, so that was excuse for DST when gori *rushed* to get to 2pm filim on time, only to be told it wasn’t starting til 2:30 na? If u saw yeh filim, u could tell gori if that is accurate or not by leaving comment below na? If said comment doesn’t show up, u will know that gori’s hecklers CL se are dead *wrong* & that yeh ulloo MIM hacker really is killing off all of gori’s comments lols.. anyhow, if gori would have seen this filim, she would have applauded when it melted, then desis would have stoned her to death or something bad so, good thing she was sleeping still na? ๐Ÿ˜€

2pm (EDST, aka 2:30pm) Saturday 11/18/2007, Castro Theatre… ‘Loins of Punjab Presents’ (5 arms up (out of 4 lol) ๐Ÿ˜‰

Well gori is pretty sad about this one.. in order to write about yeh filim blog mein, she decided to research yeh bahut garam masti director/actor, Manish Acharya. He is like mota kala Shah Rukh Khan na? Quite sexy.. even tho that doesn’t sound sexy na? lols.. Gori is still trying to decide if it is something about the area of yeh desi’s face between his eyebrows/eyes/nose area that has the same proportions as SRK, or just that he deliberately cut his hair in the exact same wedge-in-the-back ‘do as ShahRukh.. hmm. Interesting cause gori found ek article where he is quoted talking about ‘Om Shanti Om’ (new SRK filim, if u don’t know that I feel sorry na?) ๐Ÿ˜‰ so gori thinks he is also King Khan fan na? ๐Ÿ˜€

Anyhow, gori was gonna write this GLOWING review of yeh filim, phir… phir ๐Ÿ˜ฆ sniff… yeh chodu really *is* married na? sigh… tik he SAID that during Q&A when some ladki asked exactly what gori was thinking: ‘Aap single hai ji?’ (‘cept I suppose she said it in English lols).. Interesting that yeh yaar said ‘No I’m not.. sorry.’ (almost like *he* was himself sorry about it, gori couldn’t help but think) & practically ran offstage. Hmm, forced slavery.. uh, metlab, ‘arranged’ or ??? Thought dude is more Western/modern than that… but u never know with u folks ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Gori is bahut dhukh ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ๐Ÿ˜ฆ She was hoping! lols.. So with a heavy heart lol, I review yeh rockin filim:

Tik, yeh filim is pretty f’ing astute if you ask gori. The character studies basically rock, it takes on stereotypes of ALL kinds (mostly desi/goron) with an actually fairly original (again *character studies*, plot itself nahin, which is formulaic for sure but is a great vehicle for comedic aspect of things, fueled by yeh strong *characters*, nahin plot na?).. where was gori na? .. ek fairly original twist. Gori pyar bahut the old goray/goron/kuch bhi couple who is convinced yeh desis having contest are ‘terrorists’ (add in guy named Saddam Hussein as Bolly-esquely ridiculous vehicle for their paranoia, yet character is complaining throughout filim about job discrimination because of 9/11 lols).. while yeh desis treat yeh goron (go! metlab jao! ๐Ÿ˜€ (lmao) yeh other gora ‘outsider’ filim character who can sing yeh National Anthem like no desi ever could na?) .. phir, they treat him like an ‘outsider’ indeed, try to boo him off stage & throw him out of contest for, well, basically for reasons equally as racist as the old people goron who are busy calling the FBI etc..

There are hella characters in yeh filim, gori doesn’t want to give the whole thing away (yeh filim gets props cause it’s actually worth seeing na? so no spoiler unless u read between lines of this review lol).. just to say, lots of hella funny stereotypes made fun of 10 times over, from yeh goron aur supportive/suddenly non-supportive ’cause I need to save face’ desi GF, to slimy club promoter, to over-achiever 17yo with extended mob of a family, to conniving older evil rich nasty lady (played by some well-known(?) Bolly actress who gori doesn’t know about.. presumably from back in the day).. metlab, anything Madhuri Dixit & earlier gori is clueless (other than maybe Amitabh na?) ..oh don’t forget Manish’s insecure newly laid-off statistics-spouting sexy but shy geek character who is too socially lame to bag the garam ABCD chicky fate has brought to him, yet he somehow manages to stand up for her in the end). Anyhow, great desi cheating/lying/backstabbing/excluding anyone/everyone for not being ‘desi’ enough etc.. all of that gori finds highly realistic, sadly ๐Ÿ˜‰ She loves that yeh gay rapper yaar (+ clone kala BF) is actually shown as an individual (well, with clone kala BF in tow, which is part of the joke lol) in a way that isn’t nearly as rude to queers as the other characters are to the various groups they are rep’ping here ๐Ÿ˜‰

In any case, without giving away.. seeing peeps *in the audience of Castro Theatre- NOT ALL OF THEM DESIS lmao* standing up during filim & singing ‘Jai Hind! Jai Hind! Jaiya jaiya jaiya…’ while both laughing & crying (gori was too na?) was soooo worth it. Not sure if you’ll get the same effect when dumb goron aur other non-desis see it in (what gori presumes is) art-house release Amrika mein soon. Apparently this (despite being mostly in English) filim played like 7 weeks in a bunch of cities Hindustan mein. Maybe that’s why yey sexy director bailed for Mumbai with biwi aur beta, leaving gori aur lots like her dhukh lmao.. BTW Manish, I was the first chick who asked a question (with diwani bal rang na?) who said I thought the filim would suck before I saw it.. lol!) Just in case u ever get divorced na? tee hee… j/k.. um, sort of ๐Ÿ˜›

But seriously, although there are a few too-Indian film formula issues that don’t translate well (the stupid use of the ‘TV reporter’ as an (obnoxious) vehicle to introduce details of the premise, etc..), plus other continuity stuff that desis are typically oblivious of (how did yeh gora score so high to be replacement na?.. why is (hilarious) slogan t-shirt wearing ‘supportive’ extended family checking out of hotel before contest?) -or did gori miss something taking bathroom break na? ;).. lekin gori is a stickler on stuff like that, which most desi peeps ignore so.. anyhow, this film gets the big kahuna, gori’s fabulous & soon-to-be prestigious:

Loins of Punjab Presents
Golden laddoo award for best in filim fest.. ๐Ÿ˜€

Ek small cheez (as a writer, not that u can tell yeh blog se lmao!).. shouldn’t it be: ‘Loins of Punjab Presents!’ or even ‘Loins of Punjab Presents:’ so you know it is the name of the sponsor of the competition central to yeh filim, nahin Santa Claus coming to give voh desis some pork loins for Christmas, metlab Diwali lmao? tee hee…

5pm, Saturday 11/18/2007, Castro Theatre… ‘Dosar, the Companion’ (2.5 arms up) ๐Ÿ˜‰

Tik it’s good that Sandip Roy (gori has always assumed this is the same as Sandip Roy-Chaudry, who writes for India Currents na?) intro’ed this one with a long explanation about Bengali filim etc.. gori has met funny Bengali yaar who say things like ‘I’m not Northie, I’m not Southie, I’m Bengali’.. after seeing filim at least gori can realize how close some Bengali words are to Hindi.. no wonder this one guy said to gori ‘I don’t know Hindi but I can figure it out’.. then again, gori notices this about Arabic filim also.. plus ek Nepali told gori how to say ‘Mehro naam gori ho’.. so anyhow.. sirf Malayam filim is difficult to understand for gori lmao.. ๐Ÿ˜›

But I digress again.. so Sandip also gets major props for standing up & introducing yeh filims for like 1000000000 years or something.. also doing same as S Asian liaison in queer filim fest for a long time- which tells u how long gori has been going to yeh queer filim fest hai na? Yeh particular filim translates well to a Western audience because it’s primarily dialogue plus drama = Hollywood style. Problem is this: Hollywood/Western style goes better with quick editing, Western-style 90 min format filim.. otherwise gori falls asleep ๐Ÿ˜›

Indian film mein, characters having phone convo is like this:

bari moti mataji sari mein, ‘Hello?’

garam beti sari mein, ‘Hello?’

bari moti mataji sari mein, ‘Who is speaking?’

garam beti sari mein, ‘It’s your daughter.’ (approximation of poorly-articulated subtitles lol)

bari moti mataji sari mein, ‘I have something to tell you.’

garam beti sari mein, ‘What is it?’

bari moti mataji sari mein, ‘Well, first, how are you doing? How is the neighbors cow doing? How old are you again & what’s on TV?’

ad nauseum.. same exact convo, Western-style:

bari moti mataji sari mein, ‘Mehri beti, I called to tell you somethi.ng’

garam beti sari mein, ‘What mom?’

bari moti mataji sari mein, ‘Your husband was screwing some rundi while he told u he’s off on business, they were in a car accident & she’s dead, but he’s only mangled & in the hospital.’

garam beti sari mein, ‘Holy sh1t!’

bari moti mataji sari mein, ‘Sorry beti, I’ll come right over..’

garam beti sari mein, ‘Waaaaaa!!’

Or something like that. If you cut *just* the phone convos, yeh filim would be 90 mins instead of 2 hrs right there. Good subject matter, but what’s the point of the drama without the sex na? = other big problem.. not just in desi filim- in desi zindagi na? ha. So art imitates life & vice versa ๐Ÿ˜ฆ = boring for gori. Lead female = garam, lead guy (her dost screwing much older(?) or just plain ugly female lead) = he is garam- this at least kept gori watching. Blk/wh with like 50 different prints or whatever u call it when the color actually changes- from uber high contrast to sepia to muted & back, so much that gori thought it was deliberate annoying ‘arty’ effect at first lmao… accha that there are ‘strong women’ (no wonder Bengali ladkay like gori na?) ๐Ÿ˜‰ ๐Ÿ˜‰ … props for showing servants (& the sh1tty treatment they receive) instead of pretending they aren’t there, like Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Dumb.. uh Gham (‘ah ah ah ah ah… KKKD’… lame theme song gets stuck in head na?) So it definitely had some good points. Also mom lives ALONE even though she’s presumably ek widow na? Nahin with ‘kids’ (who are adults na? Nahin kids at age 30 lol).. U peeps might learn from this example na? lol..

Gori NEVER watches Hollywood filim, lekin at least there are sex scenes na? Next!

8:30pm, Saturday 11/18/2007, Castro Theatre… ‘Don’ (with SRK!) (2.75 arms up- 2.25 of them r for Shah Rukh lol)

Honestly gori would have left during the 1st half if this wasn’t ek SRK filim. First, he is styled to look crappy (hair is bad yuck). Second there is no solid lead star other than him = boring. All of that is fine, gori will show (lol) once she starts her ‘all SRK filim ever made reviews by gori’ kuch bhi page that she has sat through (massively stoned, so sort of laid through, lmao) basically ALL the horrible pre-‘new genre’ Bolly filim yeh superstah has been in, so this filim is nothing to deal with, by comparison, lekin.. she thinks this is an example of where the programming of this fest needs help.. it’s obvious that ‘Chak De India’ would have been a WAAAAAYYY better choice (among the 3 SRK filims gori can think of made in the last year- Om Shanti is brand new, no way they are going to get a print so fast, it’s still playing in theatres hai na? Aur Don sucks. Hard. lol.) That leaves the superior choice for yeh desi/Amrikans of all colors mixed audience: yeh filim with female/more Western (dare gori say: feminist (pron: fem-ihn-ihst) for those of u unfamiliar lmao sigh) plot, which appeals to a strong sense of Indian nationalism, but has all this gratutious Western content (gori hearts how yeh filim is so cheap that the Australian hockey players are the same actors as the ‘Brazilian’ ones, with ek desi thrown in to the latter’s close-up shots for authenticity roflmao.. surprised they didn’t use the Aussie goray for the Japanese (Korean? sorry I forget atm) team too na? sigh)… anyhow, Chak De! was a better filim that would have played better to this audience. IMHO sirf na? ๐Ÿ˜›

But no, instead we have the uber-stupid, rip-em up guns ablazing j/o ladka flick. Fine, gori is ek bara fan of Badshah aur One Two Ka Four na? = basically the same idea- plot written from end to beginning, necessitating seeing yeh filim more than once (else backwards lol) in order to actually figure it out. Ek problem: gori didn’t read spoilers before going to filim (too busy posting photos for yeh desi yaar blog mein lols..) ๐Ÿ˜› This means: gori thinks whole 1st half of filim is like worst SRK filim in recent memory (except Om Puri, who of course rocks like usual, even in the lamest, most stereotyped side-role lols..).. lekin.. then u realize the whole thing is setting u up for the plot twist na? See, gori got used to yeh ulloo MIM (before he went crazy na?) laughing & telling gori AHEAD of time- ‘Deko, everything’s going to change, all these guys aren’t who they are saying they are’ etc.. Without ulloo as reminder, gori was annoyed. Still, after intermission, gori started to figure it out, & then guessed the end (more or less). Of course I have the benefit of having watched aforementioned ‘One, Two ka Four’ like 100 times lol.. stoned during most of them, which is probably why it took so long to figure it out.

So now gori has to see yeh stupid filim again na? ๐Ÿ˜› She thinks it would have been better if u cut the scene where police chief is talking to babu version of SRK, plus changed part with Dr. doing surgery ๐Ÿ˜‰ so that both ppl were same Don (one in hiding after injury/undercover as babu admi). Cause otherwise (uh doi again!).. couldn’t we do *something* like at least style SRK’s hair different when he suddenly turns into yeh villager Ganesha puja yaar (that scene did rock on the big screen.. wow) But since that didn’t happen (no second hair do for SRK lol), it basically looks like an old episode of Bewitched (Sabrina/Serena na? gori knows about yeh diyan na?) or Alice on the Brady Bunch or kuch bhi.

Other MAJOR highlight is SRK doing Khaike Paan Banaraswala or whatever TF it’s called. OMG lmao.. gori used to have that song on her iPod.. I actually deleted it because it was so ghetto (Punjabi na? hai na?) & stupid. Plus gori could never figure out words. LOL! Best thing about Don = FINALLY English subs on SONGS na? Try understanding some of the SRK filim plot points w/out it.. ugg.. worse yet, try asking stupid stoned (thankfully now very EX bf) ‘kya hua?’ like 1000 times because something was said song mein sirf.. then filim makes no sense later. Though this was just hella hella funny song na? LOL.

Other factors: decent Las Vegas song in weird nite club in Kuala Lumpur.. nice Mercs they’re ripping up left & right.. what up with the use of ek MANNEQUIN for yeh saphed suheli on top of the van in the escape scene? LMAO… can’t afford stunt peeps na? Yet the scene falling from the plane looked damn good, even on a huge screen.. gori’s main problem with filim: uneven. Production going up & down like that na? More detailed analysis later on SRK filim page once I start writing it lols..

Tik.. gori’s gonna take a stab here at finishing these reviews (thanks BTW whoever ‘dug’ me in Technorati, or however that works lol.. ๐Ÿ˜› to continue:

12″am” (that’s noon to non-desis lmao), Sunday 11/19/2007, Roxie Theatre… ‘View from a Grain of Sand’ (3.5 arms up)

Tik first of all, gori has seen filim before. So tired gori raced to filim (yey for Mini Coopers, which u can park EVERYWHERE ๐Ÿ™‚ including right in front of theatre on a Sun in a space no one else can fit in, then since it’s Sun, leave yeh gari there ALL day, not even feeding meter na?) ๐Ÿ˜€ yey… what was I saying lol? ๐Ÿ˜›

Still, gori was dhukh lol she has already seen filim (wasn’t sure until she got there..) yet khushi that it was one of the better documentary filims on Afghanistan/Iran/Iraq/other (both) Bushes openly pillaging oil while committing genocide-themed doc filims gori has seen in recent yrs.

Ek, yeh Dr Chaterjee (there IS a reason why this is yeh suheli’s last name na?) is well.. quite astounding. Um basically, how to say: gori is bahut feminist na? Phir gori gets very *yawn* at long, stupid, boring, Mills College-esque feminist LECTURES… which is what they invited yeh Srimati here again to do. Sorry but when you start/end sentences with phrases like ‘the misogynist Taliban regime’, everyone (except yeh other blondie goris with PhDs in womyn’s studies Mills se) tune OUT.. espeically yeh ghetto-style desi females of all ages, most of whom have (for self-evident reasons) seem to have *no clue whatsoever* what is being spoken of (just like you yaaron na?) However, gori does think yeh Dr. Chattering ji is quite right & bahut intelligent phir.. she’s just too lectury & it’s annoying, alienates audience na? Gori thinks much of scene in ‘Bhaji on the Beach’ where suheli who is leader of group tells aunties kuch cheez like ‘we can release the dual yoke of racism & sexism’ by going to beach na? Aur the old ladies have no clue what she’s talking about na? ๐Ÿ˜› Gori did like yeh Aussie diplomat standing up after (during Q&A) & talking about his own frustration dealing with Afghanistan, as the embassador from Australia, posted in Pakistan or something like that.. but I digress ๐Ÿ˜›

Accha filim.. 3 women, diff backgrounds, dealing with Taliban/extreme right Islam BS.. all refugees inside Pak. EXCELLENT inside footage of sh1t like ppl being executed by firing squad (!!- some poor chicky in a burqua) at point blank to the head inside some stadium where the Afghan populace was corraled & forced to watch, womyn getting beaten by yeh ulloo f**ktard ghudah admi for whatever pathetic reason struck them (no pun intended) at the moment.. all filimed covertly under burquas by the brave-ass RAWA (Revolutionary A(something) Women of Afghanistan or kuch bhi na?) chickies… great footage of pre-fundmentalist take-over Moslem women, way back in oh say, the 70s, sans forced bee keeper outfit apparel. Goes into how US basically funded yeh backasswards villagers & gave them all the power by handing them mass arms, who now spearhead the jihadi ulloo who the US now pretends to fight. Huh? Kuch bhi.. lol ๐Ÿ˜›

Would get higher points if (again) wasn’t film from last year’s filim fests aur gori didn’t have to sit through yeh Dr. Chattering, PhD suheli na? Third I needs to work on getting new filim with filmmakers present, na? Difficult but important aspect of successful filim fest if you ask gori ๐Ÿ˜‰ Next we have..

2:30pm, Sunday 11/19/2007, Roxie Theatre… ‘Unni (Life is All About Friends)’ (3 arms up)

K not the best from a technical standpoint yet.. funny.. sometimes bahut funny unintentionally (in that sort of guileless ‘the acting sucks so bad it’s funny’ sort of way).. gori couldn’t decide like 1/2 the time if audience was laughing because a) bahut goron didn’t understand Indian context b) ppl are gratutiously laughing at kids being violent (not in good taste giving domestic violence group as supporter of filim lol lekin gori was laughing too), c) cause filim IS actually funny or d) cause child actors are so bad in parts of filim. In any case, EVERYONE (including gori) was ltao (l their a’s off na?), gori thinks for different reasons na? ๐Ÿ˜›

Anyhow, basically reason why gori was excited to see yeh particular filim is that it shows caste division, yeh char ladkay ignoring it (yey) more like. Of course Unni, yeh Brahmin villager beta, looks like gori’s gay/bi model turned Mumbai architect ex-dost… as a 9yo ๐Ÿ˜‰ So that was a little weird.. then yeh other lead role (yeh cutie chotu Tamilish kala ladka naam ‘Gopu’ hai) kind of made gori think of Tamil villager ex BF yaar na? The one who stole gori’s Mini Cooper deposit na? (more on that later lekin..) Those 2 are best dostay ๐Ÿ˜› Basically this is 1st of 3 filims, aur much like ‘Chinese Restaurants’, the 2000000000 part filim/TV/kuch bhi series, gori will go see all of them, out of curiosity, if nothing else ๐Ÿ˜› Even if they get less & less funny bhi na? lol ๐Ÿ˜‰

Bahut accha how the kids calls moti teacher ‘baby elephant’ & idiotic faux-smile teacher ‘Smiley Sir’ or whatever vague but hilarious subtitle they used na?

So the problem with yeh filim is that the child acting is by nature, quite uneven. The characters are funny, filim is slllooowww (something desis are used to na?) & not much happens except yeh Tamil-ish ladka’s parents kill one another lol… & he is sent away, while basically Unni, yeh Brahmin, gets treated well by all of the adults, while Gopu gets treated like shit. Of course other do ladkay are ek gora, ek sort of kala.. so you can figure how the whole thing goes..

Gori is just happy that yeh South Asian women’s domestic violence peeps got to sponsor yeh Afghan filim na? Aur their special custom-made Indian family pretending the abuse isn’t happening TV ad or kuch bhi ran before both filims on Sunday above. At risk of sound like Dr. Sribahinji (what equivalent of ‘Ms.’ should gori invent here?) Chattering ji, gori sochta u ladkay need to get real & try to first REALIZE that domestic violence is exactly what is so utterly f*cked (& perpetuates self-f*ckedness- like gori’s psycho stalker ex.. plus many of u, for example) about desi society, THEN get mass Western psychology books & READ them. Then maybe u’ll be ready to deal with groups like Narika na? Who get gori’s highest, loftiest props for just being brave enough to exist, much less help forced slavery biwis (& their bacchchi, like all of u were once) get out na? Ahem. Lecture done ๐Ÿ˜‰

4:30pm, Sunday 11/19/2007, Roxie Theatre… ‘Sankara’ (3 arms up)

K yeh filim is very very Buddhist lol ๐Ÿ˜› Sri Lanka se, yeh ladies in Western clothes (sort of) like Goa na? ๐Ÿ˜› Um.. gori admits, she stayed for yeh filim because monk guy is (sort of) garam.. tik gori admits she has mass fetish for the back of necks of yeh sexy desis… yummy brown skin meets bahut yummy kala hairline.. plus yaar’s arm was hanging out mmmm… plus monkji’s robe is sort of like a sari (weird gender twist cheez lols).. anyhow, it was boring. lol. Tik, maybe not boring, just meditative na?

Gori’s not sure yeh paintings which were subject of filim were actually works of art lmao ๐Ÿ˜› = part of problem lol ๐Ÿ˜‰ Phir- yeh cinematography *looked* nice.. hard to tell on tiny Roxie screen na? Too bad this didn’t show at Castro. Moreover, who TF is the weird kala yaar always hanging around, lusting after yeh Lankan suhelis na? Yeh monk’s servant who never interacts with him? Yeh guide who brought him there, then hangs out for months? Gori is confused by this character’s existence/prominence in filim.

Yeh point of filim ultimately is the supposed point of yeh hybrid Buddhist (with Hindu/Christian dogma thrown in) murals.. that we are enslaved by the desires of the flesh (something gori wishes she was being forced to confront right now lmao) ๐Ÿ™‚ .. anyhow, so the monk (should I give a spoiler? sure why not): ultimately he is imprisoning himself, by forcing himself to do his own mural restoration over & over, that is, by vandalizing the murals repeatedly himself. Of course there is gratuitous scene to make u think weird servant/guide yaar is doing it.. of course yeh sexy physique monk is doing it bc of yeh ladki na? Since this is S Asian filim aur yeh ladka monk hai, no sex, sorries ๐Ÿ˜› Nothing of the sort.. maybe with sex gori could give filim higher rating na? It’s no wonder u r all such p0rn voyeurs, since stuff that is so normal for everyone functional inhabiting the Earth (ie the, the other 6/7ths of the world’s population) is so off limits to all of u yaaron na? sigh.

7pm, Sunday 11/19/2007, Roxie Theatre… ‘Kya Tum Ho?’ (unknown, but probably 0 arms up)

Gori missed this filim on purpose. Desi internet neo-noir na? ugg. yuck. Plus gori was hella tired aur hungry aur pyassi aur etc.. by then. So she drove away in her (rental… grrrr..) Mini Cooper blasting Bollywood na? ๐Ÿ˜€

Meantime, gori did ask both yeh Ivan (pronounced Yvonne, for unknown reasons lmao) yaar (who is head honcho of this whole affair now na?) plus aforementioned t-shirt shy program director yaar about the lack of ballots na? Official reason as given by Yvonne, uh ‘Ivonne’ is: ‘We’re disorganized.’ (laughs) ‘Uh, it’s all the bureaucracy.’ ‘We tried that before, it didn’t work.’ and finally ‘Well, we have the monthly screenings instead.’ Finally he pretended at least to cheerfully take gori’s suggestion of at least taking FB from audience online na? Doubt if they will do this. They need it bad though, sigh.

Also, yeh program yaar.. actually he is uber-gay (or sorry if I’m outing u yaar, gori is making assumption lols.. u hit my gaydar na?) ๐Ÿ˜› & was all smiley & sweet 2nd time gori talked to him. Maybe he saw blog (peeps are using KW that are names of yeh filims to get here, so possible). Anyhow. Gori thinks that yaar is cool now. Plus it’s sort of bahut funny how Yvonne talks- like think of some Russian spy guy who talks with a fake upper-crusty British accent sirf out of side of mouth bc it’s like he is always smoking cigarette na? Somehting like that.. so he gets props for having weirdest desi quasi-British accent na? ๐Ÿ˜› Even if he doesn’t want FB from audience. Which reminds gori, if you can’t leave comments here (once again) this isn’t because gori doesn’t want them! She does!! Emphatically! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ It’s because of hacker ๐Ÿ˜ฆ sigh… (more on that on FP of blog) so now u know… ๐Ÿ˜‰

So there u have it. If u actually read all of this, I’m floored. Looks like this review somehow got to Technorati na? Cool! ๐Ÿ˜€ I feel so loved ๐Ÿ˜€ Shukriya if someone did that deliberately. Anything to get away from Craigslist RnR section na? ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

Tik… that’s it! Pyar, mehri yaar lols ๐Ÿ˜›


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